Now, everybody lies. I know it, and you know it – but I find it very funny when you overhear someone lying, rather obviously, so obviously that the person being lied to also knows it, but they are not in a position to point it out.

This phenomenon can be seen in action in a job interview. The best bit about a job interview is that both parties are lying through their teeth, as usually both are desperate. One of them to get a job, and the other to replace the dead-shit that just left without notice. My office recently had a round of interviews to hire a newbie, not to replace someone per se, but because of expansion. What actually happened would have been hilarious if it wasn’t so odd. You see; my boss and his lap dog act like insane robots, or like aliens vaguely trying to pass themselves off as human.

First there was the discussion of what the ad should be like.

Lap Dog: OK, we have to write this in a way that will only attract people that are like us.
Boss: Yes, I read a book once about office socialising; apparently it’s important for … blah blah blah.

He didn’t say ‘Blah Blah’ but the one sided conversation filled with psychological inaccuracies went on earnestly for about 20 minutes.

Then, of course the first resumes came in.

Boss: This guy has a Russian name; I don’t think we should hire someone from Russia.
Lap Dog: But we might get to pay him less. (Grinch-like grimace)
Boss (On phone to accused Russian): So I’m calling to ask you why you applied for this position if you are Russian…..Oh you live in Perth now? But why is all your experience from Russia?…. You just moved here? How did you get here so fast, your last job only ended two months ago?

Etc. There was no talk of an interview, just ten minutes of weird questioning. When the interviewees were finally invited in is when the fun began.

Boss: Now remember, when they get here, to smile and pretend to be nice.

Indeed.

When the first young man arrived, he was super enthusiastic, and the Boss and his Lap Dog responded in kind, making my colleagues and I feel sick. He widened his eyes to a comical size, in an effort to simulate a ‘smize’; what Tyra Banks calls a smile that reaches your eyes, in other words, genuine. Neither the Boss nor the Lap Dog has ever been seen doing this naturally, so you can imagine my distress.

From the closed door, I could hear buzzwords and such lies as ‘flexi-time’ and ‘work-life balance’ and ‘teamwork’. It sounded like a nice place to work; I wondered what the Boss was talking about. The Lap Dog chimed in a few times to impress upon the young man that we were a company devoted to keeping ahead of technology, and the Boss almost had an orgasm as he described a piece of software he is proud to use, one that no one else does ( one which doesn’t work, but hey, at least it’s new).

When this young man wasn’t good enough (Lap Dog: I think he’s a Gay?) the gruesome twosome regrouped to formulate a better strategy. The next few interviews were spent asking weird personal questions, veiled as innocent chit chat.

Boss: So, thanks for coming in, are you married?

The poor interviewees probably didn’t see it coming, because when you are looking for a job, you can rarely see past the salary package and the frequent mentioning of ‘flexi-time’. In an effort to gain these things, they too will lie.

Interviewee: Of course I speak fluent French. I also want to learn Suomi so that I can holiday in the far European North. I find that languages really help in this industry.

Interviewee 2: I certainly don’t mind coming in early, I like to throw myself into work so that I can better know the business better.

Interviewee 3: I’ll definitely stay for two years minimum.

Interviewee 4: I used to work for the Space agency, so I’m sure that I’ll already know how your network works.

This is why that most workplaces are filled with people who can’t do the job properly, or can and hate it. The moral to this story, is to be yourself.. but a better one is to never work.