What is retardation in these times?

Sorry, we’re calling it ‘special’ now aren’t we? Which is retarded in itself, because when I was a kid, the word ‘special’ had connotations of something good, a present, a surprise or something; never would I have imagined that it was used to describe a drooler that can’t read.

tards - you probably ARE oneNow, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m being ‘politically incorrect’ and I don’t care. I am that insensitive. I am also talking about people who DON’T have organics brain malformations or a hereditary disease, or even those with mums that are so old, they shouldn’t have had babies in the first place.

I am talking about the losers (yeah, “loser” NOT “looser” FFS) that walk around with their mouths open, and the jerks who stop dead still in doorways and at the tops of stairs. These people like to think of themselves as educated, productive parts of society, which is why I’m at a loss as to why they are so retarded. You know the ones, they walk around like zombies, bumping into things, flailing their arms around and get into queues at the shopping centre and just clump there, instead of forming an orderly line. If there was a fire alarm, you can be sure they’d wedge themselves in the doorway and just burn to death.

Slack Jawed Yokel Gets What is Coming

Image by The Oatmeal

I think these imbeciles just walked out of school and promptly erased their brains of common sense. Which is a pity, so many of them seem to get by, fooling the norms out there with no observation skills.

Listen Lady’s Solution:

Random pop quizzes. That’s right folks, I want there to be some sort of IQ pop quizzes, sort of like random breath testing for booze. The topics can be far reaching, and just general, like spelling, or the name of the current leader of the country they live in… It’s not rocket science, people.

Lofty Dreams – You Wiley Nutcase

Most of us have lofty dreams, the ones we thought up as a kid (Boy, you sure stuffed up on that one, adult me) and the ones our more mature minds have decided upon. I actually think the ones I think up now, day to day, are more outrageous than the ones I thought about as a child. I mean, as a kid – dreams were meant to be about your career (because that’s how you answer the most common question in the world; what do you do?) or who you’d marry. As an adult, dreams are about who you would smite if you had absolute power or how many boats and private islands you’d buy if you were super-rich.

No wine and no TV make listen lady..something..somethingWhen I was in school, maybe grade 3 or 4 I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I replied “Mad Scientist”. I don’t know why I thought the “Mad” tag was a good idea; maybe I’d been watching too much James Bond or Inspector Gadget. If you take away the prefix, being a scientist wasn’t that bad a dream. It’s easily achievable, comes with a certain measure of respect and probable steady employment opportunities.

So anyway, I grew up and tried a circus of careers. They all totally worked out; I just got bored of them quickly. I even enrolled in a chemistry degree, only to quit a year later because of financial difficulty. Recently, I have figured out something that I should have thought of years ago.

Life is easy, but I suck. You do too, probably. Now there is only one sure fire way for me to become a rich, popular, successful, smart, good-looking woman with god like powers: I have to become insane. That’s right – my young self was partially right, just remove the “Scientist” bit.

I don’t want to be one of the marauding insane, like a homeless person. I want to be one of those cushy padded cell types, like in Terminator 2, but without the abuse. I can finally do all the things I want, and it’s all in my head, so it’s all totally safe. I hated the Matrix, but with a few tweaks, that whole living in a pod idea has merit, if you can program what your life will be like yourself.

No work, no obligations hurrah! It’s like retirement but you aren’t old and incontinent! Why, today I think I’ll go out on the water in my luxury speedboat, have a long lunch of lobster, stuffed with tacos, and then teleport over to Europe for a spot of shopping. When I get back I shall go on an adventure of epic proportions and smite my enemies with my awesome power.

So that’s why if I had three wishes, I’d only need one: I wish I was insane!! That won’t backfire at all.

Send this to ten people or I’ll shoot this gorilla

Every day when I open my email account, I get excited that I usually have over 10 new emails to read (personal, not the soul destroying work kind), however this usually turns to dismay and horror when I see that I have been sent: FALSE FANATICAL CHAIN MAIL.

FFCM is a phenomenon that spreads like the ‘flu’ on union day down at the local public hospital. People think they are doing the right thing by forcing it upon you, but really, they haven’t really researched what they are preaching, and let’s face it, it’s annoying.

Don't chew, swallowOne of my favourite ones lately involves a disabled boy named Stevie who works in a biker diner. Apparently in this ‘true’ story of heroism, adversity and human kindness, Stevie needs a heart operation and must take time off work (You know, the work he does for money to take care of his feeble mother or something), so all the bikers with hearts of gold raise over $10,000 for him when he returns. How very sweet. Makes me want to buy my soul back.

Except that it is a short story, fictional, short story that was published in a magazine years ago. It took me all of 30 seconds to figure that one out.

Another favourite is the one about how onions can absorb the flu virus and contain it if one is left under your bed. Yes, some people actually believe this. This is actually an old ‘remedy’ for the bubonic plague, and look how well that turned out. I guess no one remembers even the simplest of science classes in year 9 – that viruses need a live host in order to replicate, and rotting food can actually breed bacteria, not capture it.

I’m thinking of starting one of my own, to see how quickly it spreads. How about going back to basics – “Rocks with hair wrapped around them left dangling from your porch ward off home invasions”, or “Nigerians can tell over the internet what your family’s bank balance is!” Hmm. How about this?

FFCM begins:

“Please read this and pass on to everyone you know, it’s a simple thing to avoid and could save your life! A friend of mine recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was rushed to hospital to have it removed. Luckily, her surgeon said that they had gotten it in time. After analyzing her lifestyle and habits, her doctor discovered a weird thing about chewing gum. Over chewing it can cause the muscles in your jaw to over work, releasing too much of a hormone into your face and brain. Your brain then tries to attack the surplus hormone but instead attacks its own brain matter, causing cancer.

The reason this doesn’t happen with normal chewing is because you are swallowing food afterwards, which releases a satiety hormone that signals to the brain not to release the bad hormone from over worked muscles. You tend to chew gum way more than you would food too, so this makes sense.

If you are chewing gum to freshen your breath, or to promote saliva to protect your teeth, PLEASE STOP! Use floss after eating, or chew parsley for your breath as a brain tumor is not worth it, just ask my friend – you may not be so lucky and find it in time.”*

FFCM ends.

So, spread this FFCM, for justice, trickery and knowledge that some people out there will actually believe it.

Please, it makes me feel better for receiving them; it’s their own fault… really.

*Apologies to the chewing gum industry.

Damn you, Census, Damn you

Does anyone else get irritated by having to fill out the Census form? I know it’s only every five years, but I don’t like filling out a form if there is no expectation of getting something out of it, like a prize, or money.

On the ABS website, it says that the form is crucial to the government for planning infrastructure. Well, I live in a city, and all my infrastructure needs are being met, so I’ll fill out your damn form, but I’ll do it angrily!

How about I list my cat as a dependent?Government? Planning? Infrastructure? Excuse me, but who on the last Census mentioned we needed several more sporting and entertainment stadiums, more public events that shut down the only south bound freeway, one way streets, less trash cans and mailboxes, more traffic lights and roundabouts and humorous signs? Somehow, somewhere, these results may or may not have been involved in this chicanery.

As we all know, statistics are completely useless if someone bad is using them to prove a point. Government committees and groups aren’t necessarily bad, but I know that when it takes 12 people, a horse and someone’s grandmother and her neighbour 6 months to make a decision, you know it’s going to look something like a bell-tower, a convention centre or a giant watermelon with kittens stapled to it.

The questions I swore most at was “What is your job title” followed by, “what are your duties at your job” or something. I think I wrote “My duties are the same as my job title”. I didn’t write “You idiot” because if someone’s job is an Auto-Hydro-Electric Ceasing Agent, it doesn’t necessarily follow that they throw toasters in people’s bathtubs to kill them. It just gets a little stupid when your job might be “Cook” and you then have to write “Cook” for the next one too. Small things to be annoyed about, but when you have to spend 10 minutes filling out a form that gets you exactly nothing, let the drinking and swearing begin.

America – you’ve sent zombies to us again.

I was going to rant about how crap America is in the wake of their AAA status being downgraded, but I don’t really need to point out the obvious, too much. They suck and they are going to send us all to the poorhouse. It’s obviously time to buy some guns and get a steel explosion-proof door fitted to my house.

What is the etiquette in this situation? I know there are no riots here in Perth as yet, but I’ve seen those yobs down at theZombie Child: Do not let them in either. pub, they are itching to start something. They don’t understand econo-speak so PLEASE don’t any of you try to explain it to them, they’ll get angry about whatever it is, and then when they all get drunk and forget what inflation means, they’ll just blame some celebrity or say that the Guvmint did it. Apparently a nice side effect of this USA thing is that interest rates will probably come down. But when you factor in that all those rioting losers will lose their jobs and probably don’t own houses, it doesn’t really matter. [Read more…]