Martian Law!!

With everyone talking incessantly about Mars, I thought I’d start a comic called “Martian Law!!!”

I was drinking some ‘conversation juice’ the other night, watching a bad cop show when I had the best idea ever. A cop show, set on Mars, called Martian Law.

I bet you didn’t see that coming.

Fat Town, Westside

So, I was out strolling around my neighbourhood the other day, when I noticed that there were a lot of retailers around that specifically target the obese.

winos - yes-pleaseI’m not talking about bakeries and dairy farms either, it’s actually clothing retailers. At my end of town, on one block, there are 4 plus size clothing shops. AND they all seem to sell the same crap. Wrap dresses, and stuff that looks like a ‘fashion’ student made it for their end of year show. You know what I mean; wide necklines made of sisal, in weird colours with cheesecloth and tulle everywhere. Yes, let’s draw attention to fat people by decorating them like a Christmas tree.

The reason I noticed all this, is a different story altogether. I was at my local wine merchant, conversing with the guy who works there, and I smugly thought to myself.. “Yeah, we are acquaintances, aren’t we? You know my name, I pretend to remember yours, I don’t need to tell you who I am in order to get my frequent winer points” My thoughts then wandered as I mused about the time that my adorable partner brought home the gift of three dozen bottles of wine, and how I didn’t need to go to the local store for about 2 months. Seeing as how I am usually there a few days a week, I then suddenly became outraged.

Why didn’t they call to check on me?

Lady Corpse

This could have been me, you jackasses

I mean, you have a customer like me, comes in every second day for about 4 years, and then all of a sudden STOPS COMING IN!? Where is the customer service?? I could be dead in my house, rotting for all they care. Pout. They could at least do it as a community service, how many ACTUAL dead bodies are out there, because these fiends refuse to follow up on regular customers??

Anyway, back to the fatties. So, as I sullenly scraped out of the way of a fat person trying to leave the store, I realised. This end of town is for the people that no one cares about. There are two homeless guys, the fat clothing stores, and weird CD store and a romance novel store. A CD STORE AND A ROMANCE NOVEL STORE.

THAT’S why when I tell people what suburb I live in, they nod approvingly, and then when I follow it with the name of my street, they look confused. No wonder my rent is such a bargain, and the landlord refuses to renovate the hole in the ground she calls a kitchen. Sob.

It’s ok though, I’ll have a few glasses of wine, and calm the f^&$ down.

Damn you, Census, Damn you

Does anyone else get irritated by having to fill out the Census form? I know it’s only every five years, but I don’t like filling out a form if there is no expectation of getting something out of it, like a prize, or money.

On the ABS website, it says that the form is crucial to the government for planning infrastructure. Well, I live in a city, and all my infrastructure needs are being met, so I’ll fill out your damn form, but I’ll do it angrily!

How about I list my cat as a dependent?Government? Planning? Infrastructure? Excuse me, but who on the last Census mentioned we needed several more sporting and entertainment stadiums, more public events that shut down the only south bound freeway, one way streets, less trash cans and mailboxes, more traffic lights and roundabouts and humorous signs? Somehow, somewhere, these results may or may not have been involved in this chicanery.

As we all know, statistics are completely useless if someone bad is using them to prove a point. Government committees and groups aren’t necessarily bad, but I know that when it takes 12 people, a horse and someone’s grandmother and her neighbour 6 months to make a decision, you know it’s going to look something like a bell-tower, a convention centre or a giant watermelon with kittens stapled to it.

The questions I swore most at was “What is your job title” followed by, “what are your duties at your job” or something. I think I wrote “My duties are the same as my job title”. I didn’t write “You idiot” because if someone’s job is an Auto-Hydro-Electric Ceasing Agent, it doesn’t necessarily follow that they throw toasters in people’s bathtubs to kill them. It just gets a little stupid when your job might be “Cook” and you then have to write “Cook” for the next one too. Small things to be annoyed about, but when you have to spend 10 minutes filling out a form that gets you exactly nothing, let the drinking and swearing begin.

Changing the World

With the CHOGM date fast approaching in Perth; it really makes you think about what kind of decisions will be given the most credence. Obviously, the decision to block off St Georges Tce for a year was the best one they could think of in the lead up, but what about policies and international initiatives and intrigue? Especially intrigue.

Apparently this year, there is an opportunity for normal folk to be on the civilian panel, and form something called a ‘Civil Society Statement’ to be presented to the world leaders who will be attending. This is my formal candidacy announcement. Now to think about what kind of policies I would like to see introduced. Past policies voted on include the abolition of apartheid, and the banning of nuclear testing in the Pacific. Hmm. Ok. [Read more…]

The 2012 Debacle

I had the pleasure of watching a great TV show last night on Foxtel. It was called “Conspiracy Theories with Jesse Ventura”. Now, I use the word ‘pleasure’ despite the fact that this show is about a bunch of lunatics who sit around talking about things no-one cares about and is a complete waste of time. But then I realized my site was of the same ilk. It gave me a really good laugh too. I’m sure there are clips on YouTube.

The episode last night was called “Apocalypse 2012” – I’m a bit late on this one, seeing as this first aired Jan of 2010. It was basically about how it’s “obvious” and “inevitable” that the world will end in 2012, and the US government knows about it. The host, former wrestler and Governor of Minnesota was concerned that there was a conspiracy between the “elite” (read: rich) and the Government to secretly build safe houses underground, to shield them from the riots, food shortages and lack of electricity that would follow this apocalypse. [Read more…]