Extra-Curricular Fail

There are many awesome quotes in The Simpsons, I could write a whole post of why they are funny and how they totally fit into real life situations. One however has spoken to me a little more in the last three months than the rest.

Help me! Where am I??Homer: Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-
making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Not because I was drunk, well, I was for some of it, but because learning new things DOES push old things out. I have been on a campaign of self improvement this year, not to win friends, or actually be a better person, but just so I don’t waste my life. I already waste a good deal of it by working in a full time job, so I didn’t want my ‘free’ time to be wasted as well.

Usually, when I feel poorly about myself, instead of surrounding myself with friends, I just sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes I will drink a bottle of wine or two while watching re-runs. This year, however was going to be different. I had a spreadsheet and everything. I had small, measureable achievable goals. Let me get to a few of the failures.

Exercise: Now, don’t get me wrong, I faithfully went to tennis and the gym a few times a week for months. I even dragged a friend along with me for the pain. I was getting fitter, I felt great. But guess what? I forgot how to go food shopping and cook for myself. I started eating take-away because when you get home from work and the gym at 7pm, all you want to do is relax. As the only cook in the house, this was an easy way to slide into disgrace.

Normally, pre exercise regime, I would cook fanciful feasts, teamed with the perfect side dishes that would rival a restaurant. (Don’t just trust me; I have reviewers who hate everything in the world except my cooking) But now, I’m lucky if I cook twice a week, and then, it’s something lame. So the skill of exercise really beat the crap out of cooking.

Acting Class: I used to go to these all the time; it’s a great way to meet people who think they are better than everyone else, and also a great way to garner undeserved praise for your ego. The praise I received was totally genuine though. I signed up for one six week course, and promptly forgot to do laundry. I’d get home at 10pm from this class and realise I had no clothes to wear the next day, and thanks to the gym, no lunch to take to work. I was so close to wearing a Halloween costume to work. Oh look, another ‘Simpsons’ reference.

Software: This was a forced activity, but it counts. I was told to learn a new piece of ‘amazing’ software at work. Now, this was the most time consuming, backwards waste of time ever and it took several full days, because of how buggy and crashy it was. So of course, no dishes were done, nor were things put away. My house looks like a retarded bear walked around picking things up and placing them in a random spot in the house. I found a cannibal fork in the bathroom, and a pile of broken glass in the laundry. I can’t even tell what the broken object is. The best one was when there was a wine glass in the fridge. Close, but not quite you retarded bear. My cat would watch me in these ‘states’ of fugue, and pass judgment. I mean, you know you’re probably in trouble when your owner absently picks up a dirty dish, inspects it, and then places it on the stove. With the other dirty dishes.

So, rather than a moral here.. I ask of you.. How the hell do you introduce a new activity to your life while maintaining basic human routines? I’m serious. Tell me.

Send this to ten people or I’ll shoot this gorilla

Every day when I open my email account, I get excited that I usually have over 10 new emails to read (personal, not the soul destroying work kind), however this usually turns to dismay and horror when I see that I have been sent: FALSE FANATICAL CHAIN MAIL.

FFCM is a phenomenon that spreads like the ‘flu’ on union day down at the local public hospital. People think they are doing the right thing by forcing it upon you, but really, they haven’t really researched what they are preaching, and let’s face it, it’s annoying.

Don't chew, swallowOne of my favourite ones lately involves a disabled boy named Stevie who works in a biker diner. Apparently in this ‘true’ story of heroism, adversity and human kindness, Stevie needs a heart operation and must take time off work (You know, the work he does for money to take care of his feeble mother or something), so all the bikers with hearts of gold raise over $10,000 for him when he returns. How very sweet. Makes me want to buy my soul back.

Except that it is a short story, fictional, short story that was published in a magazine years ago. It took me all of 30 seconds to figure that one out.

Another favourite is the one about how onions can absorb the flu virus and contain it if one is left under your bed. Yes, some people actually believe this. This is actually an old ‘remedy’ for the bubonic plague, and look how well that turned out. I guess no one remembers even the simplest of science classes in year 9 – that viruses need a live host in order to replicate, and rotting food can actually breed bacteria, not capture it.

I’m thinking of starting one of my own, to see how quickly it spreads. How about going back to basics – “Rocks with hair wrapped around them left dangling from your porch ward off home invasions”, or “Nigerians can tell over the internet what your family’s bank balance is!” Hmm. How about this?

FFCM begins:

“Please read this and pass on to everyone you know, it’s a simple thing to avoid and could save your life! A friend of mine recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was rushed to hospital to have it removed. Luckily, her surgeon said that they had gotten it in time. After analyzing her lifestyle and habits, her doctor discovered a weird thing about chewing gum. Over chewing it can cause the muscles in your jaw to over work, releasing too much of a hormone into your face and brain. Your brain then tries to attack the surplus hormone but instead attacks its own brain matter, causing cancer.

The reason this doesn’t happen with normal chewing is because you are swallowing food afterwards, which releases a satiety hormone that signals to the brain not to release the bad hormone from over worked muscles. You tend to chew gum way more than you would food too, so this makes sense.

If you are chewing gum to freshen your breath, or to promote saliva to protect your teeth, PLEASE STOP! Use floss after eating, or chew parsley for your breath as a brain tumor is not worth it, just ask my friend – you may not be so lucky and find it in time.”*

FFCM ends.

So, spread this FFCM, for justice, trickery and knowledge that some people out there will actually believe it.

Please, it makes me feel better for receiving them; it’s their own fault… really.

*Apologies to the chewing gum industry.

America – you’ve sent zombies to us again.

I was going to rant about how crap America is in the wake of their AAA status being downgraded, but I don’t really need to point out the obvious, too much. They suck and they are going to send us all to the poorhouse. It’s obviously time to buy some guns and get a steel explosion-proof door fitted to my house.

What is the etiquette in this situation? I know there are no riots here in Perth as yet, but I’ve seen those yobs down at theZombie Child: Do not let them in either. pub, they are itching to start something. They don’t understand econo-speak so PLEASE don’t any of you try to explain it to them, they’ll get angry about whatever it is, and then when they all get drunk and forget what inflation means, they’ll just blame some celebrity or say that the Guvmint did it. Apparently a nice side effect of this USA thing is that interest rates will probably come down. But when you factor in that all those rioting losers will lose their jobs and probably don’t own houses, it doesn’t really matter. [Read more…]