Lofty Dreams – You Wiley Nutcase

Most of us have lofty dreams, the ones we thought up as a kid (Boy, you sure stuffed up on that one, adult me) and the ones our more mature minds have decided upon. I actually think the ones I think up now, day to day, are more outrageous than the ones I thought about as a child. I mean, as a kid – dreams were meant to be about your career (because that’s how you answer the most common question in the world; what do you do?) or who you’d marry. As an adult, dreams are about who you would smite if you had absolute power or how many boats and private islands you’d buy if you were super-rich.

No wine and no TV make listen lady..something..somethingWhen I was in school, maybe grade 3 or 4 I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I replied “Mad Scientist”. I don’t know why I thought the “Mad” tag was a good idea; maybe I’d been watching too much James Bond or Inspector Gadget. If you take away the prefix, being a scientist wasn’t that bad a dream. It’s easily achievable, comes with a certain measure of respect and probable steady employment opportunities.

So anyway, I grew up and tried a circus of careers. They all totally worked out; I just got bored of them quickly. I even enrolled in a chemistry degree, only to quit a year later because of financial difficulty. Recently, I have figured out something that I should have thought of years ago.

Life is easy, but I suck. You do too, probably. Now there is only one sure fire way for me to become a rich, popular, successful, smart, good-looking woman with god like powers: I have to become insane. That’s right – my young self was partially right, just remove the “Scientist” bit.

I don’t want to be one of the marauding insane, like a homeless person. I want to be one of those cushy padded cell types, like in Terminator 2, but without the abuse. I can finally do all the things I want, and it’s all in my head, so it’s all totally safe. I hated the Matrix, but with a few tweaks, that whole living in a pod idea has merit, if you can program what your life will be like yourself.

No work, no obligations hurrah! It’s like retirement but you aren’t old and incontinent! Why, today I think I’ll go out on the water in my luxury speedboat, have a long lunch of lobster, stuffed with tacos, and then teleport over to Europe for a spot of shopping. When I get back I shall go on an adventure of epic proportions and smite my enemies with my awesome power.

So that’s why if I had three wishes, I’d only need one: I wish I was insane!! That won’t backfire at all.

Smokers: Look out for the Genie

Smokers. You can’t live with them, and you can’t kill them. Legally. Yet.

I was in the city this morning, a cool breeze in my face, when BAM. Some asshole put out a cigarette on the edge of a bin, and then let it fall onto the ground. Seriously, the bin was RIGHT THERE. The guy walked away jauntily as if being disgusting and a litterer was perfectly fine. I guess to people like that, it is.

I was sitting there wondering if I should follow him to work and smear feces on his desk, when ANOTHER PERSON did the same thing. This time, a rotund three chin sporting ‘woman’. They say that you gain weight when you try to stop smoking, well, if that’s true, this one will turn into some Godzilla-like monster if she tries to quit. [Read more…]