How to Future Proof Your Life

From age 13, wear sunscreen daily, forever. Start younger if you can. YES in winter too, the sun still rises doesn’t it? I can already hear a few idiots thinking “But the sun isn’t damaging in winter!” Newsflash: The sun is the same sun ALL YEAR.

From age 15, make sure at school you do subjects that might count later, like chemistry or something. Sure, theatre sports and abstract macaroni art are easy and you’ll definitely pass, but then you are doomed to go on to get a Bachelor of Arts, which is useless. If you like ditching school, do it, but still come to school on test days. Redirect your family phone to your mobile to intercept those pesky phone calls from the school.

Woo! Look at me now!

This could be you

From age 17, resolve to stop drinking fruit juice, especially if your mother/father is fat. Juice is just sugar with an easy delivery system, ditto with soft drinks. If you have chosen your university/TAFE courses by now, please realise that you will probably change this at least once in the next few years, unless you are Asian, in which case, ask your parents.

From age 19, don’t do too much work experience (i.e work for free) unless you are a masochist. It’s better to get a low paying job in your field, that way, they can promote you. No one ever gets promoted from “Butt Monkey”.

Random dating advice for the next 5 years: For guys, if your girlfriend cries every time you make plans with your friends, get rid of her. For girls, if your boyfriend lives with his parents or has a muscle car, get rid of him. Neither should ever date a person with a moustache, or two first names.

From age 21, if you haven’t travelled to many places yet, do it now. You can always come back to this, but you won’t have as much fun and when you are older, you’ll constantly be worried about getting time off work. If you already have a child by this age, consider it a failure on your part. Make friends with older people who are successful in the area you want to be in, like begets like. Just don’t be friends with assholes.

From age 25, you should have an ok job and maybe an idea of what you want to do when ‘you grow up’. If you don’t, PANIC NOW. Just kidding, although this is the age where I started drinking and working more. Depending on the economy, you may have to work two jobs if you want to live by yourself, and that’s just renting. It’s a good idea to get some sort of financial education at this age or even earlier, because pretty soon you will realise that the ‘work for someone else = money’ equation does not stack up. Most people that I have encountered have completely forgotten any sort of math they learned in school at this point.. Start your own business, or if you are happy with anonymous work, get a job that you don’t ever have to think about once at home. Ladies, if you have any appearance issues now, invest in fixing/preventing them, they will get worse with every year. Gentlemen, if you are getting hairier/less hairy/fat/creepy/ please seek help. Anyone who points out these things to you should be destroyed, however.

Random tip: Drink water all the time. Really.

From age 30, if you haven’t done any of the above, you may now be spiralling out of control in a job you hate with less money than when you were 19. If this is true, try to avoid the pharmaceuticals and instead just get out more. Try to enjoy something, anything – once you do, you will find that you can think clearly about other things. I like to keep busy by compiling a list of companies that have wronged me, then once a week I call or email them to complain. If you get no replies, and they go into the ‘red zone’ you then have a hearty killing spree list for when you snap in about 4 years.

Well, I haven’t gone past here myself, but looking at the ‘elderly’ around Perth, I’d say, don’t live in a suburb that has more than 3% state housing, don’t shop at malls, and don’t give money to the homeless – all of these things will confuse and anger you.