Fat Town, Westside

So, I was out strolling around my neighbourhood the other day, when I noticed that there were a lot of retailers around that specifically target the obese.

winos - yes-pleaseI’m not talking about bakeries and dairy farms either, it’s actually clothing retailers. At my end of town, on one block, there are 4 plus size clothing shops. AND they all seem to sell the same crap. Wrap dresses, and stuff that looks like a ‘fashion’ student made it for their end of year show. You know what I mean; wide necklines made of sisal, in weird colours with cheesecloth and tulle everywhere. Yes, let’s draw attention to fat people by decorating them like a Christmas tree.

The reason I noticed all this, is a different story altogether. I was at my local wine merchant, conversing with the guy who works there, and I smugly thought to myself.. “Yeah, we are acquaintances, aren’t we? You know my name, I pretend to remember yours, I don’t need to tell you who I am in order to get my frequent winer points” My thoughts then wandered as I mused about the time that my adorable partner brought home the gift of three dozen bottles of wine, and how I didn’t need to go to the local store for about 2 months. Seeing as how I am usually there a few days a week, I then suddenly became outraged.

Why didn’t they call to check on me?

Lady Corpse

This could have been me, you jackasses

I mean, you have a customer like me, comes in every second day for about 4 years, and then all of a sudden STOPS COMING IN!? Where is the customer service?? I could be dead in my house, rotting for all they care. Pout. They could at least do it as a community service, how many ACTUAL dead bodies are out there, because these fiends refuse to follow up on regular customers??

Anyway, back to the fatties. So, as I sullenly scraped out of the way of a fat person trying to leave the store, I realised. This end of town is for the people that no one cares about. There are two homeless guys, the fat clothing stores, and weird CD store and a romance novel store. A CD STORE AND A ROMANCE NOVEL STORE.

THAT’S why when I tell people what suburb I live in, they nod approvingly, and then when I follow it with the name of my street, they look confused. No wonder my rent is such a bargain, and the landlord refuses to renovate the hole in the ground she calls a kitchen. Sob.

It’s ok though, I’ll have a few glasses of wine, and calm the f^&$ down.

Extra-Curricular Fail

There are many awesome quotes in The Simpsons, I could write a whole post of why they are funny and how they totally fit into real life situations. One however has spoken to me a little more in the last three months than the rest.

Help me! Where am I??Homer: Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-
making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Not because I was drunk, well, I was for some of it, but because learning new things DOES push old things out. I have been on a campaign of self improvement this year, not to win friends, or actually be a better person, but just so I don’t waste my life. I already waste a good deal of it by working in a full time job, so I didn’t want my ‘free’ time to be wasted as well.

Usually, when I feel poorly about myself, instead of surrounding myself with friends, I just sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes I will drink a bottle of wine or two while watching re-runs. This year, however was going to be different. I had a spreadsheet and everything. I had small, measureable achievable goals. Let me get to a few of the failures.

Exercise: Now, don’t get me wrong, I faithfully went to tennis and the gym a few times a week for months. I even dragged a friend along with me for the pain. I was getting fitter, I felt great. But guess what? I forgot how to go food shopping and cook for myself. I started eating take-away because when you get home from work and the gym at 7pm, all you want to do is relax. As the only cook in the house, this was an easy way to slide into disgrace.

Normally, pre exercise regime, I would cook fanciful feasts, teamed with the perfect side dishes that would rival a restaurant. (Don’t just trust me; I have reviewers who hate everything in the world except my cooking) But now, I’m lucky if I cook twice a week, and then, it’s something lame. So the skill of exercise really beat the crap out of cooking.

Acting Class: I used to go to these all the time; it’s a great way to meet people who think they are better than everyone else, and also a great way to garner undeserved praise for your ego. The praise I received was totally genuine though. I signed up for one six week course, and promptly forgot to do laundry. I’d get home at 10pm from this class and realise I had no clothes to wear the next day, and thanks to the gym, no lunch to take to work. I was so close to wearing a Halloween costume to work. Oh look, another ‘Simpsons’ reference.

Software: This was a forced activity, but it counts. I was told to learn a new piece of ‘amazing’ software at work. Now, this was the most time consuming, backwards waste of time ever and it took several full days, because of how buggy and crashy it was. So of course, no dishes were done, nor were things put away. My house looks like a retarded bear walked around picking things up and placing them in a random spot in the house. I found a cannibal fork in the bathroom, and a pile of broken glass in the laundry. I can’t even tell what the broken object is. The best one was when there was a wine glass in the fridge. Close, but not quite you retarded bear. My cat would watch me in these ‘states’ of fugue, and pass judgment. I mean, you know you’re probably in trouble when your owner absently picks up a dirty dish, inspects it, and then places it on the stove. With the other dirty dishes.

So, rather than a moral here.. I ask of you.. How the hell do you introduce a new activity to your life while maintaining basic human routines? I’m serious. Tell me.

Facebook Friend Diversity

I was signing in to my various social media accounts over the weekend, when I noticed that my friend count was way below the average of my ‘main’ friends. Scrolling through the list of names on Facebook, I was ashamed to admit, that my group of friends were not as diverse as I’d like. I feel racist, unclean.

I quickly made a list of the types of friends I still needed, the list became quite long, and it was apparent that I wouldn’t be able to achieve this in any realistic time-line. So I shortened it. I guess I’ll have to advertise on Craig’s List or Gumtree or something.

The Rundown:

Midget BFF1.  A midget or other dwarfism afflicted individual.
You may have seen my Facebook update last week about how I saw a ‘little person’ on the bus. She was Asian too; I should have asked her out for coffee. When I was a child, I saw a dwarf every now and then, I can’t remember if it’s my brain idealising this time of my life, but I’m pretty certain that I saw at least one per year. Nowadays sightings are vary rare, and although I’m aware that I may not hang out at dwarfy places, it seems a bit weird that they’ve all moved out of Perth.

2. An amputee.
I have a friend with only half a thumb, but that doesn’t count – I didn’t even notice it for the first three years that I knew her. That’s how accepting I am. But I need an extremity – that’s more real. I am interested about how it happened, if they can feel the phantom limb, and also what cool types of prosthetic they use. I read a story about a model born without legs, and she had these awesome carved wooden ones made, and she chose her height of 6 feet tall. Needless to say, the other models were jealous.

3. An albino.
I have very dark friends, but no very light ones. I mean, there are the blonde ones but they don’t count – how many of them are even really blonde? None, I expect. I know that I will only be able to visit this new friend in the dark, but that’s ok too because I like candlelight. I also really like sunscreen, so if they really need to come out during the day, they can use some of my super sunscreen.

4. Someone with Tourette’s Syndrome.
I know that this isn’t as funny as the way it’s depicted in films, but still it would be fascinating. Usually, to overcome thisMy Albino Friend shortfall in my friends circle, I will intentionally start small fights, usually about religion, the definition of irony or just go against someone’s viewpoint, arbitrarily of course. This usually sparks a Tourette-like response.

5. Someone who used to be in a cult.
And not a mainstream one, like Christianity, but a wacky one, where everyone is everyone’s brother and sister but are also their own Aunts and Uncles. What the hell do they call each other? Mustercle? Brounter? Ideally, they would have been un-brainwashed, if that’s the correct term..They still keep their memories though, right? I hope it isn’t like MIB when they do that flashy brain wipe thing.

Now of course, the winning move here would be one person to fit all of this. A Touretted albino one legged dwarf with daddy issues would be great.  I don’t like my chances though, it’s a small town.

How to Future Proof Your Life

From age 13, wear sunscreen daily, forever. Start younger if you can. YES in winter too, the sun still rises doesn’t it? I can already hear a few idiots thinking “But the sun isn’t damaging in winter!” Newsflash: The sun is the same sun ALL YEAR.

From age 15, make sure at school you do subjects that might count later, like chemistry or something. Sure, theatre sports and abstract macaroni art are easy and you’ll definitely pass, but then you are doomed to go on to get a Bachelor of Arts, which is useless. If you like ditching school, do it, but still come to school on test days. Redirect your family phone to your mobile to intercept those pesky phone calls from the school.

Woo! Look at me now!

This could be you

From age 17, resolve to stop drinking fruit juice, especially if your mother/father is fat. Juice is just sugar with an easy delivery system, ditto with soft drinks. If you have chosen your university/TAFE courses by now, please realise that you will probably change this at least once in the next few years, unless you are Asian, in which case, ask your parents.

From age 19, don’t do too much work experience (i.e work for free) unless you are a masochist. It’s better to get a low paying job in your field, that way, they can promote you. No one ever gets promoted from “Butt Monkey”.

Random dating advice for the next 5 years: For guys, if your girlfriend cries every time you make plans with your friends, get rid of her. For girls, if your boyfriend lives with his parents or has a muscle car, get rid of him. Neither should ever date a person with a moustache, or two first names.

From age 21, if you haven’t travelled to many places yet, do it now. You can always come back to this, but you won’t have as much fun and when you are older, you’ll constantly be worried about getting time off work. If you already have a child by this age, consider it a failure on your part. Make friends with older people who are successful in the area you want to be in, like begets like. Just don’t be friends with assholes.

From age 25, you should have an ok job and maybe an idea of what you want to do when ‘you grow up’. If you don’t, PANIC NOW. Just kidding, although this is the age where I started drinking and working more. Depending on the economy, you may have to work two jobs if you want to live by yourself, and that’s just renting. It’s a good idea to get some sort of financial education at this age or even earlier, because pretty soon you will realise that the ‘work for someone else = money’ equation does not stack up. Most people that I have encountered have completely forgotten any sort of math they learned in school at this point.. Start your own business, or if you are happy with anonymous work, get a job that you don’t ever have to think about once at home. Ladies, if you have any appearance issues now, invest in fixing/preventing them, they will get worse with every year. Gentlemen, if you are getting hairier/less hairy/fat/creepy/ please seek help. Anyone who points out these things to you should be destroyed, however.

Random tip: Drink water all the time. Really.

From age 30, if you haven’t done any of the above, you may now be spiralling out of control in a job you hate with less money than when you were 19. If this is true, try to avoid the pharmaceuticals and instead just get out more. Try to enjoy something, anything – once you do, you will find that you can think clearly about other things. I like to keep busy by compiling a list of companies that have wronged me, then once a week I call or email them to complain. If you get no replies, and they go into the ‘red zone’ you then have a hearty killing spree list for when you snap in about 4 years.

Well, I haven’t gone past here myself, but looking at the ‘elderly’ around Perth, I’d say, don’t live in a suburb that has more than 3% state housing, don’t shop at malls, and don’t give money to the homeless – all of these things will confuse and anger you.

Punishment for the Innocent

graph of pain

Image thanks to Cereal with a Fork

Ah life, all fun and games until you have to try and do something outside of work hours. Have you ever tried going to the bank, post office, hairdresser, dentist or anything that normal people need to do after 5pm?? And that’s only if you can get out of work on time.
The other day, I called my hairdresser and was told I could only get an appointment Mon – Thur between 10 and 4. Unless I was willing to wait until February. Apparently all the other times were snapped up by people who work, which is funny, because aren’t the people who work the only people who should be spending money? If you have time to go the shops during the day, you shouldn’t be spending, that is up to the people who earn it!! The people who are too fricking busy to spend.

I like to order things online, to distract me from the mind numbing futility of work, and sometimes the merchant will only allow the item to be posted to your approved billing address instead of my work address. This cleverly means, I will never get my item. Basically what happens is, the mailman or courier will knock on my door, confused that I should be out when I’m expecting a package, he’ll leave a note to pick it up from my local post office. You know, the one that’s not open after work, the only time I can go there. What logic is this? If I’m not home during work hours to accept delivery, WHY would I suddenly be free the next day to stand in line and pick it up from the post office!! Calling them doesn’t work, they basically tell you bad luck, and we’ll return it to sender in 5 days. Can they at least forward it? No, this is a general delivery; we can’t forward it to another address unless you pay for a courier…FFS.

I suppose some of those people that can shop all day are just wealthy, from marrying up or their parents. I choose to believe that hard word didn’t do it, seeing as I feel like I work hard, and no one is letting me shop during the day. Luckily, some things are open on the weekend. But not the important things, like doctors, dentists, medicare offices, post offices, banks, any government office, gourmet food stores… the list goes on.

The only places I can shop on the weekend are in the city or woop woop suburban malls, and going to either is this big production of dodging the homeless and unemployed. They love coming out on the weekend because they know that the only people with money to spend have no choice but to make an appearance. Have a few dollars to spare? “I sure do!”I say, as I continue on my angry way.