No Salad, You. I Deride Your Dinner Making Ability

Hey, do you eat salad? I bet you do, but I bet you hate it. Yes you do! I’m utterly convinced people only eat the stuff because it’s by far the easiest ‘healthy’ thing anyone can think of. As Homer Simpson said, ‘You don’t make friends with salad’ – it’s something to live by. Let’s have a look at what salad IS.

It’s raw vegetables. This, right away should tell you to steer clear. I eat vegetables, and sometimes raw ones, but we have so many amazing cooking techniques available to us, that an entire bowl of this stuff seems like overkill. Some extremists would have you believe that they grow these things in their yard. I get it, you want us to think you are better than us store bought salad people. I tell you – it’s hard work taking care of one potted plant, let alone a variety of edible ones that need constant care.

The texture is another thing I can’t deal with. Stupid lettuce leaves squealing over my teeth in an apparent attempt to re-create the chalkboard sound, right in my mouth. Mealy tomatoes that looked good yesterday, but nothing can be done to them today to make them palatable. Salad dressing that’s so incredibly boring that it’s worth trying BBQ sauce instead. Nuts and cheese that sink to the bottom so that you don’t even fucking know that they are there til you finish all the boring shit first, and then of course you are just shoveling cheese and oil into your mouth which is what will be stuck to your face all day long. Even the so-called ‘exciting’ additives of a salad like avocado, and corn chips can’t save it.

Now, I know there are ‘salads’ with meat in them, bacon even. But like me, you probably pick the good bits out and eat them first. Then sit there sadly toying with whatever caustic leaves are left over.

What about these crazies who order salads in restaurants? I mean, you finally tear your boring ass away from staring at a) The Wall, b) Your annoying kid, c) Your annoying partner, or d) Your toenails; and you go to a moderate to fancy place where you have to wear shoes and everything, and you ORDER A SALAD. I can’t be friends with you, unless you supplement that with something fried, like a water buffalo or a Chrysler.

You may whine that you are on a special diet, or are allergic to something that you have been eating for many years until your favourite reality star said she was allergic to it (fake, fake, FAKE) but to you, I say. Die. If you can’t eat normal foods and insist on making me listen to your pseudoscience about why it’s ‘healthier’ to avoid everything but green lentils and quinoa, then I just don’t think that you are meant to be here. What if, on Dec 21st this year, the apocalypse happens, and the next day, all there is to eat is charred Koala meat and leftover white bread? What then? Can the normal survivors kill and eat you, or will you change your mind and eat the fluffy little sucker?

If you do change your mind and partake of the random assortment of native Australian animals, and baked goods, then by god you better get sick from it. Otherwise we were all right to call bullshit on your acquired diet and beat you to death with a lettuce.